Friday, August 12, 2016

Stepping out in Faith

Father, as I come to you today I am so thankful for the day that you've allowed me to have and be inspired by many great leaders. To hear of how a common person, from a simple upbringing can be motivated by a vision you had given him/her to the point of taking you at your word, and take risks only to see you make something big out of nothing and allow it to contribute in changing the world and making an eternal impact for your kingdom, is such an honor and a privilege. 

Lord, these types of stories stir my heart greatly, not only because they're amazing stories or because I'm an emotional person but because I know the call you've given me and what you're asking me to do but I had lacked faith to move forward. As much as it excites me and motivates me to listen, I must confess my sin as well, since this is not the first time you've spoken to me about taking a step of faith and moving forward in the call of ministry that you've given me. It's several times actually, that you've motivated and encouraged me but somehow I've been allowing the world, the enemy, "life", and fear get in the way! Yes fear Lord, fear of failure, of humiliation, of ineffectiveness, of messing up your work & testimony in my life, fear of criticism, of being "found out" as not good enough, ultimately fear of the spot light.  I don't recognize the person I've become, timid, prefers being behind the scenes, supports others to reach their dreams and is great at it but terrified to go chasing after her own. Terrified of taking risk, of the unknown, of criticism and the possibility of failure.

So I confess Lord, I confess of my pride which has grown so much that it paralyzed me with fear.  I confess for not shining for your kingdom the way you want me to.  Not how I think I should shine for you, not how my family or friends think I do but to the standard you've created for ME to achieve, the potential you've instilled in me. You're the only judge that can rightfully judge me, so forgive me for not meeting your standards. I'm sorry for the lack of urgency I've displayed about the issues you are pressing on my heart. It's like I've given up on pressing forward and Laboring with pain to guarantee others an understanding of who you are through your word. Forgive me for thinking what I bring to the table is somehow not good enough, for a false sense of humility that has kept my talents hidden. I don't want to bury my gifts, my voice, my talent for fear of messing up, I want to multiply it, profit your kingdom with it and make my master proud. When you come to judge my work, I don't want you to say why did you not produce fruit, I want you to say, well done good and faithful. 

The enemy had lead me to believe that what you've given me to display out in public for the work of your kingdom is in someway not good enough for to be seen.  He tricked me in thinking that I should put a hold on your work until it's how deceitful is that?  To think that I'd ever produce something perfect is the epitome of pride. Father forgive me for not saying yes to you to the little and big things, for not trusting you to the point of surrendering myself and saying "even though you slay me yet I will trust you".

I missed the opportunity to submit to the creator of standards, perfection and beauty by comparing your works in me to a man made one, the shallow glittery one. I'm sorry for doubting the path you took me on, for looking back and questioning the narrow path that has likened so much of me to the image of Christ... for comparing, idolizing  & coveting the wide road, the one you said would lead to death and destruction.  For leaning on my own understanding and not yours, for allowing my Christianity to become my profession, for forgetting why I got into ministry in the first place and worshiping the creation and not the Creator.

Father, cleanse me of the hurt, pain and disappointment that I've allowed to taint my view and make me callous to the simple things of life. Instead of treasuring each moment with my loved ones for choosing to escape into the TV Shows that offered indulgence.  Instead of rejoicing with those who rejoice for being cynical, thinking I was just being real but missing the point of loving people. For allowing my experiences of once being in their shoes, excited, positive but still ending up hurt and let down, confused and abandoned make me a logical, practical person who doesn't dream anymore. Forgive me for choosing to believe my experiences over your truth, allowing them to define me than trusting in your word and let it give me a hope and a future.

Father, I thank you for your patience in my life, for your outpouring of grace and love through your Son Jesus Christ.  For being immovable, loving me with your steadfast love and waiting for me to return back to the heart of worship. Thinking about your love, makes my heart beat faster because it's too big and too kind to grasp in this frail body of mine. I LOVE YOU Lord, and I will live for you. I will speak for you, I will write for you, I will love for you and I will go for you.  You are my king, my father, my faithful friend who has given me a voice.  I will no longer be silent, will no longer stand on the sidelines and watch, I can't anymore. I must obey, I've sang and prayed how I'll go when you say go and I'll speak when you say speak but have missed so many opportunities for the sake of being culturally appropriate, and fear of standing out from the crowd, not anymore.  I will do what you tell me to do and let you deal with everything else. My job is to follow YOU, when did I become the leader of my life? No more.

Father, so with all that, I ask for your boldness, creativity, inspiration, wisdom, humility and resilience to stay the course. It's not for me to pave a path for myself, it's for you to show me where to go, I'm simply a follower who delights in the journey she's on. So help me Lord to be faithful in strengthening my inner being, to giving you the first fruits of my life, my time, my money, my family and every part of me. To be present with my loved ones, especially my little gift Fiker.  To choose to trust you daily and follow you fervently. 

Thank you for listening and answering my prayers. With all of my love, your daughter